Reflections and my 2018 intentions

Oh boy 2017 has been a year. I honestly say that every year, but this year was different. Sooo incredibly different for me. It was the first year I felt like I bloomed into an entirely different human being. I am still very much the same person in so many ways, but I finally feel free of certain emotional states of mind. I am all around a more balanced person in my life and I can see so clearly now the person I want to be. From the way I express myself as an individual, to the type of friend I want to be, to the people I want to attract into my life, and just all of it. I envision so much more for myself than I thought I could. I have shed so many layers over the years in the way I express my actual emotions and 2017 was the year I finally faced head on the things I hated about myself, the things I carried over the years that held me back from using my voice, and I finally just let it all go. I know I still have so much more growing to do and this was just the tip of the ice berg for my life, but I am so happy and proud of the growth I have made.

I reflected on a lot of stuff from the past and a lot of stuff within my present life these last 6 months or so. Let me just say that sometimes facing your past (or even the present) is not the easiest thing, but it's healthy to process and let go of those feelings instead of carry them with you. I was going through a lot earlier this year with some personal stuff and was getting triggered left and right emotionally, so I decided to see a therapist. I wasn't sure how I felt about going. I thought like am I really that messed up that I have to go talk to someone? How does one talk to a complete stranger about the most vulnerable parts of your life and self? Is it normal to see a therapist? Will I like them? Do I REALLY need to do this? No I can manage on my own i've done it so far... SOOO many thoughts went through my head but I did it.  I set up a phone call with a highly recommended therapist near where I live and the first session was just to see if we were going to be a good fit. I loved that my therapist from the start gave me the opportunity to decide if they were a person I could talk to before I made the investment to keep going.  All those thoughts that went through my mind soon were just a figment of my own judgement of therapy and in going to therapy I realize now it was the bravest, healthiest, most rewarding thing I could have done for myself. 

I have been seeing my therapist for almost 8 months now and holy cow the release I feel in my life is incredible! This is why I say I feel like a totally new human being. I am more in tune with my emotions, I am no longer afraid to talk about my past the way I used to be because I have faced it myself finally, I am a bit more confident in talking to the people around me, in checking in with where I am at and how to better navigate my conversations in a less word vomit type of way, and I am just not afraid to speak my truth and how I feel anymore. I used to be the person who let things bottle up and then i'd explode instead of facing head on how certain things made me feel. I used to make myself numb to certain situations because I was afraid to deal with them and have feelings whether good or bad that i'd just write it off so that I didn't have to deal with it. I always and I mean always have felt strong emotions for the people in my life... like so proud of my friends or so appreciative of my relationships with them, but never have I ever been expressive about it. I feel like life is so short and the people in your life deserve to know how much you love them, how proud you are of them, and how they make your world a little brighter. So I am practicing expressing that and being comfortable in doing so. I am practicing being in the present moment instead of in my own head the way I sometimes could get. I was quiet even though in my mind there was a lot of noise. I am allowing myself to be vulnerable with the people in my life which is also something I wasn't always good at until I reach rock bottom points. I have amazing people in my life and vulnerability is where you express yourself in the way people get to see the real you, the soul in you and I think it's a beautiful thing when you allow yourself to open up to people. It allows you to build a connection deeper than anything and many people don't get that anymore. The world we live in now is being connected but only on the surface. At least that is my personal opinion. We live in such a superficial world and I think it's incredible if you have even one person nowadays that you can be vulnerable with and whole heartedly be yourself. I am incredibly luck to have a handful of them and I know I don't tell them enough and that's something I want to do more of this next year. 

Anyways, what I am getting at is don't be afraid to talk to someone and get help in navigating the tough parts of life whatever it may be. We all have them. For me it was family things that happened as young girl, it was having a young mom, it was boys, it was self-esteem, it was the notion that I wasn't enough, it was body image, and it was being afraid of what I now call the shadow parts of me. It was the judgement of others about me and my own judgement of "what should be" and the comparison factors. It all messes you up and sometimes you need to openly talk it all out so that you can process and understand that it's NOT you and you are so much more than your thoughts or situations. Talk to someone who is trained on how to navigate this in a way that helps people process, understand, and then release to live a more grounded life. Today I am practicing a lot of what I learned about myself and not being afraid to do it. I understand myself now in ways I didn't see before and i'm bring this "new" version of me into 2018 with clear intentions for what I want. 

These are just a few things I want as I reflected back on who do I want to be in this world? 
-Kind
-Expressive
-Non judgmental
-Present
-Loving

I know these things might seem like a check list duh.. well ya we all want to be that way and we are. BUT no... This is what I mean by kind. Kind in the way that I will love myself,  I will take care of myself, and I will allow myself to take a step back to enjoy the world around me. It means I won't judge myself and I will love myself for who I am because in being kind to myself I can be the best version of myself for others. I can love them deeper, I can be that listening ear when they need it, I can be the shoulder to cry on to help them through their burdens, I can cheer them on when they reach their milestones, I can be present when they need me in all parts of life. See how it all kind of ties together? It's a fraction of the type of person and friend I want to be but it starts with that whole me, myself, and I. I've always considered myself a nice person and a good friend but I want it to go deeper than that. I want to be so much more for those around me but I know it starts with being more for me first and that's where i'm at. I think I lived a life for so long where I gave so much because that's who I am, but I forgot about myself in the process. I forgot about my very real feelings and pain sometimes. I wasn't the best I could be and I didn't feel totally at peace with my life even though overall I did love the life I was living. It was like I was always missing something. Sort of like how can a person have everything they ever wanted or dreamt of but still not feel whole? Well I think it's because we need to connect with ourselves on that deep level before we can truly appreciate all that we have and are given. It's not like I took my life or the things I had for granted but because I wasn't totally comfortable with expressing myself and knowing how to do it in a healthy way I always felt a little alone. I hope that makes sense. What about you guys? What are your thoughts? Comment below who do you want to be?! Let it be simple, let it flow, and do it! 

So my intentions for 2018 is to keep growing in this path, keep my focus and believe in myself, keep practicing my daily mediations and gratitude journal, allow myself to be present and not be distracted, enjoy my life without comparison, listen with intention, speak from a place that is my truth from a balanced emotional state, express my emotions and don't be afraid to do it, make more time for family and friends, connect with nature, and so much more but those are my top! What about you guys? I wanna hear it!! :)

As always thank you so much for reading along. Thank you for being a part of this blogging journey of mine. I hope you wrap up 2017 with something fun and makes you feel full! I will be in Reno with my friends. I have started and ended most of my years with my people and it's always been a favorite part of our evolving lives. I hope you guys get everything and more in 2018! Please reach out if you have questions or want to have any sort of open conversation. I am here <3

xoxo,
Shay