On being an emotional being

Mmmm I haven’t written in so long. As many of you know writing is my medicine. I have been having some deep tender moments with my inner child. Young Shay who is grieving her parents. I have shared my story before that my relationship to my parents is intricate. I have a deep love for both of them. I know it’s the same for them, however there is a disconnect in relating to one another. I have recently reached a point in my life where I am okay if my parents aren’t present in my life. Admitting this out loud was VERY painful for me. I had a lot of shame and guilt. What would people think for me to “not care” if my parents weren’t in my life. Reframe. I care deeply, but I can’t place my energy into it anymore. It just feels to heavy and like I am trying to squeeze water out of a rock. I keep hitting these blocks of connection to them. I start to play small. It’s just the energy there. So much to move through. I have done my work. It’s letting my parents also be free. My inner girl was so sad. Me as an adult so sad. I just know that it’s okay. It’s okay that this is my reality and i’m okay. More than okay.

For the first time in my life I actually feel like I am supported in ALL ways. In love, in friendship, in business, in my home, and all the areas we need it in life. I CRAVED this so deeply from my parents… the way a child does… craving this need to receive love and nourishment. This was not always my case growing up. I got a lot of tough love. To make me strong as my mom saw it. My mom more than anything had to provide. She served both the masculine and feminine role to be able to provide for us the way she did. I honor her for that. I know she did everything in her power to be the best she knew how to be and it was. She is my super hero, but all the same the way she did things growing up caused me a lot of pain. I felt abandoned and not loved in so many ways. I understand now that it was love in a form that did not nourish my young self. I have had to learn to dismantle that inside of me. Growing up since day 0 of my life I was around a lot of broken family moments and it’s not safe to be who you are energy. After all our journeys begin in the wombs of our mothers and so on and so on. It goes deep. It’s why we carry generational trauma too. Women are born with all the eggs they’ll ever have so we’ve been carried through so many wombs loves.

This has shown up in my life for many years and I have been doing deep work around it for a long time now. We all have wounds. We all have pain. This is mine that I choose to share so that you know you are not alone in the process. I remember feeling that. Last year though it began to really change. 2019 was a pivotal point in my growth journey. I began the art of manifestation. I had community. I had sisterhood. I was moving into a career path I loved. My life was FULL. Now in 2020 I feel WHOLE. I feel COMPLETE. I feel LOVE. I feel SUPPORTED. I feel CONFIDENT. I feel BEAUTIFUL. I am all of me.

Yet…. I have this innate fear that I will mess up my life. That everything I have I can’t sustain. That everything I have worked for will just disappear. AGAIN… that abandonment wound is there. Again the stress that it’s not safe to be where I am. Again this idea that I have to work hard to receive what I want. ALL OF IT coming up in a new way. How crazy is it that us humans receive all that we desire and we are scared to allow ourselves to receive it? That’s where I am. Learning to meet my soul and fears at my core. Allowing myself to open my heart again and again to what I am being offered + desire. Allowing myself to be witnessed in the process. Allowing myself to be supported in the process. Allowing myself to feel it all. Allowing myself to honor the pain and give myself more love. It’s all within me. I am the home I have always been looking for. I am the one I have always needed. I am my own best parent. I am my own best lover. I am ALL of me and it’s beautiful. I am also worthy and deserving of my desires. SO ARE YOU!

So loves when you feel the pain… FEEL it all. Allow it to surface. Know that all pieces of you that feel “broken” are your magic. Know that your emotions are just energy in motion. We are meant to feel these depths. We are meant to experience it all so that the joy is also felt. We can’t have one without the other. The more we embrace the SHADOW of the journey and the PAIN of the journey and the GRIEF of the journey and ANGER… the “bad” ones the more of the GOOD we also get to experience. I look at my life right now and I feel like HOLY SHIT I am doing it. I am living what I wanted. I am calling in what I wanted. I am ALL THAT I WANTED to be. I also get to be more and keep going. I get to have more because our desires are our breadcrumbs from the universe to keep going.

The impact and change I want to make on this planet has just begun. I feel myself really mourning a lot of my old life. The biggest is my parents. I love them. I love them so damn much, but I am so done needing their love. I am learning to release expectations. This includes our parents. How they show up is just the same for anyone… they are allowed to show up as they want, but we hold them to a different standard because they gave us life and vice versa right? Remove the labels. Human to human. It’s okay to walk away when it’s not in alignment. Family is so tricky though. They have their journeys and their dharma’s to live out. The way I see it…. I am the code they created for the planet and it’s time for me to live that for me and hold them in their highest. Maybe one day my relationship with them will change. I have no idea what the future holds. I hold this in my heart. I love them with every fiber of my being, but right now it’s a journey of self. What is it like to be free of this need to be loved by them? What is it to be free of the validation I needed from them? What is it to be free of approval of who I am by them? What is it to give myself permission to be the way I want to be? I lived a life of shoulds for so long, now is not the time to go back there.

I left my cushy corporateish retail job to live a life of freedom. My inner masculine is alive and well, my inner feminine is dancing as the wild soul she is. It’s time to let myself BE, RECEIVE, AND DO what lights me the fuck up. I feel that and yet I am terrified, but that’s okay. I am walking with my fears hand in hand right now. One day at a time. I trust myself. So my loves here is to the journey on being human. Allow it all. BE LOVE.

xx,
Shay