What you don't own will own you

It’s okay to build your own home and family. Take it from a girl who had a very broken relationship with her parents. To the point I essentially ran away from home for college and had planned to never look back. Though that all sort of happened I did learn to heal my relationship with both parents and more recently feel i’ve learned it’s okay to not feel guilty for having boundaries with both of them. 

So in case you’ve missed some of my older blog posts telling you my relationship with my mom (more specifically), but my parents this is the short version. Mother had me VERY young at 16 so you can imagine how this played out in my relationship (rather lack thereof) growing up. I mean she was in the process of growing up you guys so all things considered life is pretty rad for us both. BUT in terms of the healing that needed to be done in my adult years I would say child me needed love and attention like any other kid, to be accepted whole heartedly, and to be nurtured. Fast forward to the teen years my parents went through an ugly divorce. Oh what that did to me mentally and emotionally is a whole other ball park of stuff I have had to work through. 

So fast forward nearly two and a half years later post therapy, lots of subconscious work, and telling my story so publicly… I can say each layer of healing and growing is beautiful, scary, but so worth it. Family is a tricky thing, especially parental relationships. I don't know about any of you reading this, but I feel this inherent form of “guilt” to think I owe my parents everything because they gave birth to me, because I know if if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be here today… However I am also learning that just because of that DOES NOT mean you owe them anything. This is not to say don’t be damn grateful for what your parents have given you, but do not let the fact that parents or family for that matter own any part of your life just because they are family. Getting to a place to think of my family as any relationship I encounter has been hard. Like anything in my life I am learning to honor the fact that strong boundaries are sometimes necessary, that relationships (even family) can be toxic, not saying that mine is.. but at one point they were and so I withdrew. Honestly at one point I was totally okay with my parents not being in my life at all. Granted that was angry and hurt Shay, that is not who I am today nor who I ever want to be again.  

Let me just preface this entire post with saying my family is everything to me. I do not want anyone to think I have this burning dislike of my parents or anyone in my family. I love them through and through for all that they are and seeing them as people rather than family in these later years in life. I am just learning to look through a different lens is all and it’s okay to do this is my message. I am seeing them through the lens of relationships in my life and learning that just because they are family doesn’t mean they haven’t gone through their fair share of ups and downs, lessons, needing to heal etc. Also with that just because they are blood we see them a little differently than strangers on the street, our friends, etc. At least this is my opinion and here is my lesson for you all. 

One of my favorite quotes that sticks with me so much that Lacy Phillips says is “what you don’t own will own you” and through her practice of subconscious work I have unblocked so many levels of healing. It’s crazy the breakthroughs i’ve had. This is the one I want to share with you all today… our stories feel like they define us sometimes (they don’t) and the emotions we don’t disclose to others is the key to unlocking a life that feels more free. So lately I have been working on releasing guilt. Guilt in all aspects of my life… stop feeling guilty for the fact that you know you are brilliant at certain things and it’s your super power in this world (doesn’t make us vain to be proud of that), guilt of saying no just because and not feeling like I need to explain that to anyone, guilt that I don’t talk to my family too often, guilt that I don’t rush to tell my parents anything first, guilt that more often than not I would rather be with friends, guilt that I don’t keep in touch with certain people anymore, guilt for being sassy to someone because I had a bad day, guilt because I didn’t stay on track with my practice, just all of it. 

I felt so much guilt because I am growing into a new person every day lately. I am realizing where I want to be putting my energy and to whom I want to as well. I am leveling up in my life because the growth I have done requires a better version of myself. This means people and certain ways of living will get left behind. This also means relationships and situations that don’t align fully will have some strong boundaries from me as well. I am learning this and I am honoring it all. I am no longer feeling guilty for it. It’s what I need and it’s okay to put that first. Also let me say I used to feel guilty for even putting my needs first when I knew others needed more than I did because I know i’m strong and can handle nearly anything that comes my way… NOT OKAY though! I keep giving when I know I need to fill my cup up first… I want to heal people. Honestly my entire life I have been able to see the beauty in people’s soul, even when others only saw the bad, I feel I have a gift to see people in their purest form. I can’t explain it exactly. I also know I can help a person heal and be the version of themselves they are afraid to be, I see where they can be a more beautiful energy. Sooo because of that I will forever be a very giving, kind hearted human who wants to help you in any big or small way I can, it’s hard wired in my DNA. I used to shy away from this but honestly it’s one part of me I am learning to love the most. It’s like they say sometimes your greatest strength is also your greatest weakness and that is exactly why I am learning to find that balance now. Nearly 28 years later I am lol. I am learning that just because I am like this and see this in people no matter how hard I want to believe that everyone can be the version I so see in them, not everyone deserves what I have to give or to share in the life I lead. Doesn’t make them bad just not right for me and my life and it’s okay. Not everyone should have a seat at your table and boy have I learned this the
hard way. This also pertains to family.

My biggest example is this… my mom and I have a much healthier, better, beautiful relationship than we ever have in life. However I still don’t care to share most of what happens in my life until it naturally comes up when I talk to her or see her, this includes some of my big moments. Why? Because even though she wishes me well, is proud of me and all, she has parts of her that I know still need healing. So in turn she doesn’t always make me feel supported and it’s not an energy I care to encounter if I don’t need to. My dad and I talk maybe once a month if that to be honest, but nowadays he barely knows anything of my life. I did feel guilty for not including my parents  or awhile, but it goes both ways right… just like any relationship it takes two to tango, there should be an equal exchange of energy and inclusion in my opinion and to be honest I don’t always get that with them. So I am done beating myself up for this. It’s okay. It’s not what others would call “normal” but it’s my reality and i’m okay with it. I know they love me, I know they support me, I know they show me love the only way they know how and I am thankful for that. I honor that where they are is also okay. We share what we want to share as any relationship, and I know it’s not conventional, but it is my home life. I finally can say i’m at peace with that. I have made my own family through friends over the years and I wouldn’t trade what I have in life for anything. I love the family I do have exactly as they are but no longer feel the need to hide that mine is what others would see as “broken”. It’s not. It’ just our life and how it’s supposed to be. It does not mean there isn’t unwavering love despite it, it’s just shown differently. That’s the amazing part of this thing we call life. No one way for anything in this world if you ask me!

So I ask you this, do you feel guilt over something because what society or people in your life would say is “normal” is not your normal? Pretty positive saying my friends are more my family, I barely talk to my dad, don't care to share that much with my mom is what most say is far from normal. BUT YOU KNOW what IT IS OKAY! I still have a special bond with both parents just doesn’t make sense to others. It’s my life not yours. I also am tired of holding onto that guilt because some things are the way they are in life. If you are okay with it that’s all that matter.  You just need to honor it and it stops holding weight on you. Remember “What you don't own will own you”. Release the guilt of the “shoulds” and know that your story, thoughts, or emotions don’t own you. Stop letting them. Honor how you really feel and release the rest. It’s freeing. It’s magical. Be 100% you and the more you do the more that comes to you, trust me.

xo,
Shay